Hello. For the general well being of my sanity (and the general well being of you, our valued listener), I feel I must share with you one of the scariest, most terrifyingly uncanny things I have witnessed during my run on Turtle Soup. While reviewing the Playmates "Wacky Action Figures" from 1990 on Episode 52, it was my task to handle the review of one "Creepy Crawlin' Splinter". Immediately upon pulling up the image of our teen's furry father I was profoundly shocked by what I witnessed:
For those familiar with horrible 80's action movies, the terror may already being sinking into your brain and heart as it did mine that fateful Friday evening. I had watched Commando just earlier that day, as it is one of my favorite of the genre. This made the feeling of nauseous shock even worse, for it felt that I had just left the world of John Matrix and his evil counterpart Bennet. Yet, when I saw this dreadful figure all my withering mind could see was:
It was Bennet. In rat form. Staring at me through time; invading the sanctity of my journey. Try as I might, my brain could not turn from the sickening thought. Bennet?
Did they actually design, sculpt, and release a figure of Master Splinter modeled after you, Bennet?!
I mean, Commando came out in 1985. It's been 5 years, Bennet. Is THAT the breadth of your cultural impact? 5 years later and they make this?!
Commando was no slouch at the box office, Bennet, I understand that. $57 million gross on an R-rated action flick. Easily five times your budget. Made a lot of dudes happy. But Creepy Crawlin' Splinter?! Why?!
All due respect, sir, but you're a pretty rough dude in Commando. You collude with terrorists and kidnap your ex-war buddie's little girl. She's in your care for an hour and she already has a bloody lip and sits weeping softly in the corner while you sharpen your knife. What did you do to her, man? LIKE, WHY THE HELL IS SHE CRYING THAT MUCH, BENNET?!
My eyes, heavy with dread, slowly make their way to Creepy Crawlin' Splinter's accessories. Tail Mace... okay. Sewer Searchlight and Radar... useful, I guess. Rat Lantern... I could see Splinter actually using that. Ninja Knife... NINJA KNIFE?! Since when the hell has Splinter EVER used a knife. EVER?! Oh, that's right. NOT UNTIL HE WAS MODELED AFTER YOU, BENNET! AND WE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT KNIVES, DUDE! HELL, YOU ALL BUT CREAMED YOUR RIDICULOUS, DIRTY, BLACK CARGO PANTS WHEN JOHN OFFERED UP A LITTLE KNIFE ACTION!
I MEAN, DID THE CONVERSATION SOUND LIKE "MORNIN', RALPH. EVER SEEN COMMANDO? NICE! I LOVE COMMANDO AS WELL! ANYWAYS, BACK TO WORK DESIGNING CONCEPTS FOR CREEPY CRAWLIN' SPLINTER... WAIT, I GOT A FUCKING AWESOME IDEA! LET'S MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE FUCKING BENNET! YEAH, THE GUY WHO HAS A HARD-ON FOR KNIVES AND BEATING / MOLESTING LITTLE GIRLS! IMMA BUY EVERYONE LUNCH!"
Whew... man. I can still feel the greasy dread on my mind. Anyways, thanks for allowing me to let off some steam about this whole thing, guys.
On this heaping sized episode of Turtle Soup, we cover Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vol. 1, Book 31, the 1990 Playmates Figures (Basic Assortment and Wacky Action Figures), and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures Vol. 1, #11. Also, we reveal BIG NEWS FOR THE SHOW, Ryan reviews 4 movies in 4ish minutes, we tackleDOWNLOAD: Episode 52 - Squigglin' Wigglin'
Next Week: Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Vol. 1, Book 32 and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures Vol. 1, #12 and #13!
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